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Archive for the ‘Conciousness’ Category

Love-Hate

In Conciousness on June 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I have a dog named Winkie. He’s a white Pomeranian and is almost two years old. I love him to death and when he perks up his ears, sticks out his tongue, and wags his tail when I come back home, I can’t help but give him a kiss and a treat. He’s even cuter when he lies down his back and extends his paws to me, telling me to scratch his stomach. He’s simply adorable, I tell you.

But there’s one problem. When my dog gets violent, boy does he get violent. Like most other Pomeranian dogs, he is very vicious. He is especially protective of his food and all objects around him; he considers them to be exclusively his property, and he does anything to protect what he considers to be his stuff. By anything I mean even biting me.

Yesterday, after I finished eating my peach yogurt, I gave the empty cup to my dog to lick on. Of course, being the food junkie he is, Winkie literally started licking and tearing apart the cup, and there I was next to him, patting him on his head because of how adorable he looked. Then, out of nowhere, my dog suddenly turns bad and bites me real hard on my arm. (It’s swollen right now, and it still kind of hurts…) After he bit me, I felt a pang of betrayal and anger at my dog for doing so. I had given nothing but love and care for Winkie and yet he had bitten me that hard… I have to say I was pretty disappointed.

I decided to be angry at my dog, but it lasted for two hours, and I forgave him when he snuggled up next to me in my bed. Every time this happened, it has always been the same. I manage to forgive him every time. I wonder if this is how parents feel about their children… LOLL

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Daydreams.

In Conciousness, Uncategorized on June 7, 2011 at 7:46 am

I daydream a lot. If you see me staring into space with a blank look on my face, I’m probably off into my little world of who-knows-what. Whether it be at home in my room or in Chemistry class when I don’t find balancing equations particularly appealing, I daydream all the time at any place. Some Koreans say that if you daydream often, you will have a lot of stray, thin lines on the palm of your hands and that they represent the numerous thoughts you have everyday. Undoubtedly, I have them. LOTS OF THEM. The palms of my hands are filled with little dashes and crisscrosses that form such complicated webs that they could easily pass for a spider web.

I’ve wondered why I like to daydream so much as I grew up and initially, I thought it was something I inherited from my mom; she also likes to daydream, you see. But these days I realize that there may be another reason to my constant daydreaming.

People daydream about lots of different things, but I daydream about the future. ONLY about the future now that I think about it. About going to the family park this weekend with Winkie, about how amazing it would be to meet Condoleezza Rice, about how I would be living ten years later. I don’t think about the past, because to dwell on things that already happened that I can’t change is not worth my time. But to daydream about the future, that I think is worth my time.

Maturing.

In Conciousness, Uncategorized on May 26, 2011 at 4:39 am


When you are little, no matter how young you may be, you consider yourself to be all grown up. And then you look back at yourself a year later and realize how immature and silly you were. Ironically, you then consider yourself to be all grown up again, comparing your current self to yourself a year ago.
At least, that was the case for me…

Sophomore year is almost over and now looking back at it, I see how different I am now than I was at the beginning of the year. Of course, in August, I still thought that I was pretty much all grown up. But as the year went on, I made a lot of mistakes and some things didn’t turn out the way I had liked them to turn out. Every time this happened, I would be dismayed and thought “Why did this happen to me?” Of course, as the old saying goes, time heals everything, and it did for me. As time passed, I was able to forget about whatever had happened and move on.

But then as I looked back, those incidents were actually valuable in a way. Once you may mistakes, you know what you have done wrong, so you don’t make them again. And the only way to learn and grow is through experience.

So now, despite how bad I felt after the incidents, I am kind of grateful in a way because now I know that I will never make the same mistakes again. Perhaps this is all a part of growing up.

Spontaneity

In Conciousness on May 16, 2011 at 5:34 am


“Plan and follow.” This used to be my life motto for quiet some time. I always liked to plan things out in my hand whether they be short-term or long-term plans. When I was little, I said them out loud to my mom and as I entered high school, I organized them into a words document. It gave me a sense of… relief, knowing that as long as I follow the items on my plan I will be fine.

But as I grew up, especially during my past two years of high school, I realized that things don’t turn out exactly the way you planned. Things that you desperately wished for may not come into your hands or things totally unexpected may strike or welcome you. The first couple of times this happened to me, I was utterly stunned and completely stumped. The pieces of the puzzle I called my plan were scrambled, thrown apart, and I didn’t know how to start again.

But as clichéd as this may sound, what I didn’t realize is that life is full of surprises. Life isn’t just that easy and you never know what’s in store for you in the future. There are unexpected twists and turns that throw you off track and yes, your plan will be obliterated and you may be lost, but you must start again. Everyone goes through this but how you react to it is what makes all the difference.
So that is what I have learned to do. When something doesn’t go that way I thought or planned, I simply scratch those plans off my life and make new ones. My plans always change by the situation and don’t seem like plans anymore. I consider them more as… a stream of consciousness.

Now I live by a new motto: “Do whatever you feel like doing at the moment.” It’s better to just let fate take me wherever whenever instead of living by a plan that may change any moment.

AP Testing.

In Conciousness on May 12, 2011 at 10:23 am


The past few weeks have been very hectic for me. Or at least, I thought they were.

I had my first AP test of my high school career two days ago on May 9, 2011. I took the AP Biology exam, and I thought it went pretty okay. Actually, it was slightly easier than I had expected it to be. But on the other hand, it was also unexpected because the exam barely covered animal physiology and plants which are supposed to make up at least 15% of the exam and instead, ecology made up a majority of the exam.

This was an important test for me as it was the ONLY chance to show what I had learned during the whole year. It was quite frightening to think that all the work I had done during the whole year would be determined by one single exam. Therefore, I was under a lot of pressure and stress. In the process, I think I made myself believe that I was very busy and was pressed for time.

However, now that I look back at it, I wasn’t that busy and I had plenty of time. I actually had less homework and tests than I used to have, and I was pretty prepared for my exam as I started studying for it since mid February. It was my mindset that made me feel so pressured. I simply assumed that AP exams = lots of work & studying = stress. I was the very person who had imposed all the stress on me. If I had positive thoughts and was more confident in myself, I probably would have done as well or even better on the exam without being so despaired.

APs not only provided me with a change to prove my knowledge but also reminded me that how you think about things makes all the difference. I’m done with my APs for this year, but I’ll definitely keep what I learned in mind for next year when I have to take five exams…

Goals.

In Conciousness on March 27, 2011 at 1:03 am

I set goals for myself on a regular basis. Whether they be short term or long term goals I take a moment everyday to create a list of things I have to or want to achieve. I usually organize them into a little pages file because 1. I tend to forget them if I don’t 2. They act as reminders to help me stay on task.

Usually, my short term goals lead up to my long term goals. For example, if getting a front and back walkover is my long term goal, my short term goal would be stretching my back and shoulder every night.

Yes, I am capable of setting so many goals. Yet, it seems I don’t possess the ability to achieve them. Despite the pages file that i organize to keep me on task, what usually ends up happening is me getting off guard and slowly walking away from achieving that goal. It frustrates me though I am wholly aware that it is my fault and no one else’s.

The week before spring break, I had this whole schedule planned out, and knowing my tendency to get off task, I didn’t even make it that grand. It was just simply

1. Getting three chapters of the workbook done everyday

2. Finish writing my phoenix plume article

3. Finish application

4. Get website running

5. Controlling what I eat

6. Having a good time with family

And what did I manage to complete out of these six tasks? Shamefully, only one. Rather than getting three chapters done everyday, I think I’ve done a total of three chapters during the whole week, and rather than finishing my phoenix plume article, I finished writing the title of my article. I barely managed to almost get my website running and controlling what i eat? Psssshh. Please, I just finished eating a pint of ice cream.

This happens all the time, and no matter how many times i repeat this, I seem to learn nothing. Every time, I fail to achieve my goals for the day or week or month and I get angry at myself, but yet, I repeat these mistakes over and over again.

Could it be that my goals are too far-reached? No. Could it be that I lack will power? Yes.

Though I am able to think of what I want, I don’t go through the steps to get that, and what’s most important is that I make the effort to get what I want. I can’t just stand there waiting for someone to get it for me. I need to take initiative. I need to persevere if I truly want something.

I hope I finally learn this time.

A Box of Crayons

In Conciousness on March 26, 2011 at 9:39 am

“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8 color boxes, but what you’re really looking for are the 64 color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64 color box, though I’ve got a few missing. It’s okay though, because I’ve got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8 color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation. So when I meet someone who’s an 8 color type…I’m like, hey girl, Magenta! and she’s like, oh, you mean purple! and she goes off on her purple thing, and I’m like, no I want Magenta!”

That’s what John Mayer said.
Sometimes, I feel the same way — I have a grasp of what I want in my head but I end up getting something else: something that may look like what I want at first glance but different when I approach it for appreciation. It’s frustrating at times. I want others to relish the same ecstasy I feel when my dog greets me after a long day, grieve the fall of a particular leaf I was observing, miss the days when real people used to sell subway tickets instead of the machines we have now. When I try to explain it to them, they don’t understand. Sure, they nod and act like they know what I’m talking about, but I know they don’t really know how I feel when I see a stray pigeon on the street. And so sometimes, telling people about my perception of the world seems futile at times, but I can’t help but want to share them with others. It goes the other way too. Perhaps I too am an eight-color box at times.

I’ve learned to live with it though. People are all different, and it is the culmination of this vast array of differences that makes our world so interesting. With differences, there are bound to be some aspects in life where people just can’t see things the same way, or simply, the way I want them to see it. Most likely, I am not the only person who feels this way. Who knows, I may even be a six-color box to some people.

But then again, when I look at life as a box of crayons, it is not made up of eight color boxes or sixty-four color boxes. Instead, there are so many more colors and shades that is the spice of life.

Picture Source: http://amysfinerthings.com/as-simple-as-a-box-of-crayons

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

In Conciousness on February 23, 2011 at 4:19 am

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could switch places with my dog. Eat, sleep all day, rip up some tissues, steal Christine’s socks from the washing machine, freak out over trivial matters such as Christine finding my secret toy hiding place… unburdened by the expectations and responsibilities enforced by society.

But of course, I do realize that there is more to being a dog than eating, sleeping, and playing all day; if this were to happen, the free will bestowed upon me as a human will be taken away along with my ability to do whatever the heck I what. Even now, my dog just desperately attempted to get his paws on a piece of mango on the kitchen countertop, but to no avail.

Nonetheless, living without expectations and responsibilities sounds very appealing at times. On the contrary, not being able to express my thoughts and do what I want… not so appealing.

So which is better? Living with heavy expectations and responsibilities but with the ability to say and do what I want or without both? It’s like one of those package deals you see all the time in grocery stores. You either get them all or you don’t get them at all.

Looking at my dog whimpering by my feet for a piece of mango, I see how restricted and confined my life would be if I were to switch places with him; my whole life would be in the hands someone else and I would have very little or no say in how my life plays out. “With great power comes responsibility,” they say. And though I sometimes fear responsibility, I really don’t want to lose my ability to speak out or do what I need to for myself so I guess I just have to suck it up and live my life as it is to its fullest.

Knowing too much.

In Conciousness on February 18, 2011 at 12:11 am

I miss being little.
When I knew so little and could let my childish dreams run free.
When I took so much delight in buying a fairy for my Neopet.
When I took further delight in the fairy giving my Neopet the power to see in the dark.
When I could be satisfied by such little things.

I woke up at five today and ten minutes later, I found myself rummaging through my box of old stuff. Looking for what? I did not know. I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Everything in the box seemed so foolish, though the box was labeled “Christine’s Treasure Box” in pink, purple, and black letters. I found TONS of stuffed animals, plastic beads, my mom’s empty makeup containers, chevron bracelets, pressed coins, hemp, broken crayola crayons, pieces of rock, a badly colored wolf poster… Then i came across my old Furreal friend. Light brown fur, burgundy eyes, black nose, pink tongue sticking out, red collar. It used to be THE ultimate object of my desire. Whenever i saw commercials of it, my sister and I stared at the television in awe and I slept with it for days when my parents finally got it for me at toysrus. I remember every night before I went to sleep, I stroked its fur and dreamed that the next morning, it would magically turn into a real dog.

I also used to dream that someday Santa Claus would take me back to his workshop and make me his apprentice.
I used to play “adult” with my sister, pretending the bottle of chocolate milk was a cup of coffee and dreaming of the day when i could drink real coffee. But now I know that there are so many more things to being an adult than drinking coffee.
I dreamed of the day I would turn twelve and an owl would bring my Hogwarts acceptance letter.
I dreamed that I could earn a fortune by making friendship bracelets all my life.
I would dream that I could fly over the baseball field, using the “charm” and “magic necklace” that my friend found.
Oh I used to dream of the craziest things, and I believed that those dreams will come true.
But now I know too much of what’s real and what’s not to dream of things that can never be.
But maybe….. just maybe… it’s good to be realistic.

Picture Source: http://furrealfriendsbiscuit.com/2008/08/30/furreal-friends-biscuit-my-lovin-pup